SEX AND SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES: WANT TO STOP USING CONDOMS? DON’T DO IT
In many relationships there comes a time when you might want
to stop using condoms. We have already shown that it is not
enough to just leave it to chance, or blind faith.
One solution is to agree to protect the primary
relationship. One man said, 'We both had a full checkup for
STDs including AIDS early on in the relationship and we both
got the all-clear, but we decided to use condoms for a while
anyway. Once we had been together for about six months we
were pretty sure it was going to be a longterm prospect for
us, so we decided we would stop using them. I hate the
thought that my partner would ever have sex with anyone
else, but we talked about it and made a promise that if
either of us ever had an extracurricular then we would make
sure we used a condom.'
I might add hastily that talking about the theoretical
possibility of other relationships does not mean giving
permission for a free rein, nor does it mean a lack of
commitment or trust. Perhaps this is something that needs to
be included in the agreement so that you both know where you
stand and what feels right for you both.
For young or inexperienced people, self confidence has a lot
to do with asserting your rights to protection. A lot of
young people say they fear losing their partner if they
insist on a condom and they would rather cope with an
infection than being single. Sad. It is an acquired skill to
be able to say, 'Not unless you wear a condom' and mean it,
withstanding coaxing, cajoling or threats of abandonment. So
that you can be convincing, it helps to rehearse your lines
in front of a mirror. You may feel like a geek at first but
until you have convinced yourself that, 'If it's not on,
it's not on', you don't have a hope of convincing a sexually
aroused partner. You also need to be in touch with your
beliefs about sexuality and decide what sort of sexual
activity you feel comfortable and safe with. People of all
ages also need to realize that alcohol will have an effect
on your inhibitions and will impair your judgment ... your
ability to make decisions that will feel right for you in
the cold hard light of tomorrow.
The issue of discussing sex and negotiating safer sex
becomes a particular problem in the older age groups when
divorce or death of a longterm partner throws you back into
the dating game, sometimes after a break of many decades. It
is not an easy thing to talk to a partner about safer sex if
you have never even seen a condom, let alone had to use one
with an unfamiliar partner. A woman widowed in her early
sixties said, 'I had only ever had one partner in my life
and when he died I thought that was it for me for life. Then
a couple of years ago I met this charming man at the club
and we started seeing each other regularly, going out to
dinner or for picnics. We became very close and to my
surprise I found myself physically attracted to him. I
didn't dare bring up the subject of sex. I thought it would
just happen when the time was right, but there was no way I
could ask him about condoms.'
Some men say they don't like wearing condoms because they
reduce the feeling — the old 'shower in a raincoat'
argument. For some at least this is based on experience of
the old-style condoms that were made of thicker rubber than
they are today. Yet for many people the feeling of safety is
much more relaxing and possibly more satisfying. So it's a
trade-off. On the other hand, reduced sensation might well
be an advantage when you consider the proportion of men who
have a problem with premature ejaculation. Another reason we
hear for not using a condom is that using a condom
interrupts sex; but if rolling on the rubber is seen as an
integral part of making love, then it may develop a more
erotic reputation.
Protection gets down to figuring out the risks but this has
to be translated into action. That means both men and women
knowing how to go about negotiating safer sex with a
potential partner and then being motivated, under any
circumstances, to stick to the agreement.
The bottom line is that your future health has to come
first. That means weighing up the risks against the benefits
and making the decisions that will make your personal
safety, and that of your partner, the main priority. Talking
about it means that the decisions are mutual. One doctor
working in the area of sexual health told me, 'If you can't
talk to a prospective partner about their sexual history and
about using condoms, then perhaps it's not such a good idea
to be having sex with them at all.'
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*SEX*
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